The classic Friendly NeighborhoodSpider-Manmoniker might need to be re-evaluated, and it’sspecifically the"friendly"partthat needs to be called into question. Yes, Spider-Man is one of the more approachable heroes on Marvel’s roster and has proven numerous times just how kind he can be when someone needs kindness - but his insults are some of Marvel’s most brutal.
Most characters won’t call him friendly when taking into account how often Spider-Man roasts his adversaries. Even his allies can be on the receiving end of a vicious insult, which might explain whymost Marvel heroes hate Spider-Man. Insults are a trademark signature for Spider-Man. He wouldn’t be Spider-Man without his quips and jokes, but even for him, he might take his verbal jabs too far on occasion.
10"… Even your wife left you for a man who lives under the sea."
Spider-Man: Life Story#2 by Chip Zdarsky, Mark Bagley, Drew Hennessy, Frank D’Armata, and Travis Lanham
Spider-Man spares no prisoners with his sharpest quips, not even for his friends within the superhero community. In fact, in some cases,Spider-Man’s pettiest lineshave come at the expense of his relationships with his closest allies. He proves himself as the king of petty when he criticizes Reed Richards for viewing himself and the Avengers as superhuman rather than actual members of humanity, addressing his wife’s affair with Namor in retaliation.
In Peter’s defense, he was in a bad mood, but that almost emphasizes what it’s like to be insulted by Spider-Man. He quips on a regular basis, so most of his jokes are casual, whether it’s directed towards the good guys or the baddies. Whetherhe’s breaking the fourth wallor delivering a sick burn, it’s usually playful in jest. However, anangry Spider-Man’s barbs are the sharpest. That’s when Spidey refuses to hold back, no matter who is on the receiving end.
9"The dignity of knowing I never carried a man-purse."
The Superior Spider-Man#31 by Dan Slott, Christos Gage, Giuseppe Camuncoli, John Dell, Terry Pallot, Antonio Fabela, and Chris Eliopoulos
At this point, Doc Ock had spent some time in Spider-Man’s body, but it was in this issue that Peter finally got his body back. He wasted no time making his presence known again to his rogues, specifically to his most unhinged villain,Green Goblin. Goblin had discovered that Otto had become the Superior Spider-Man as he was rising to power, buthe knew the stench of Peter Parkerfar too well not to know the real Spider-Man was back from the moment he opened his mouth.
Doctor Octopus first swaps minds with Peter Parker inThe Amazing Spider-Man#698 by Dan Slott, Richard Elson, Antonio Fabela, and Chris Eliopoulos.
The insult is vicious in itself, but more than words,Peter’s presence is what stings Goblin. It’s like when a classroom full of teenagers gets extra rowdy in the presence of a substitute teacher, only to soon be alerted to the shell-shocking reality that the real teacher has returned to put a stop to the fun and games. Spider-Man’s quip is a declaration that playtime is over.
8[Several Expletive Curses at the X-Men]
Ultimate Spider-Man#67 by Brian Michael Bendis, Mark Bagley, Scott Hanna, J.D. Smith, and Chris Eliopoulos
No one talks about it, butthe X-Men are kind of jerks.Professor Xavier most certainly is, but no one talks about how Marvel’s best mutant heroes can display some flaws and unfavorable behavior themselves. Look at the Ultimate Universe, for example, where Wolverine is an outright pervert. His behavior convinces Jean Grey to use her powers to swap his mind with Peter Parker’s in one ofthe most shocking momentsfrom the original Ultimate Universe. It’s also one of the more selfish, jerky moments in Jean and the X-Men’s history.
When Spider-Man berates Jean Grey and the X-Men for making his day miserable just to teach Logan a lesson,he’s completely justifiedin his assertions. Even better, he insults them not with a joke or a quip, but a series of explicit words that not even Marvel editorial could publish.
7[Several Fat Jokes He Wrote Down for Kingpin]
Ultimate Spider-Man#12 by Brian Michael Bendis, Mark Bagley, Art Thibert, Jung Choi, and Albert Deschesne
When Kingpin starts targeting Ultimate Spider-Man, the wall-crawler vows to himself that the next time they come face-to-face, there are specific things he wants to get off his chest. These things mean so much to Peter that he actually writes down a list that he presents to Kingpin when they meet again, determined not to forget his best jokes. As far as Peter is concerned,these are his best jokesthat he wouldn’t dare want to forget.
10 Ultimate Spider-Man Moments That Helped Marvel Websling Into the New Millennium
The Ultimate Universe was created to modernize Marvel characters and storylines, & Ultimate Spider-Man was the flagship. Here’s the 10 best moments!
Some may look at Spider-Man making jokes about another person’s weight and call it cheap, but what matters is that it gets a reaction out of the Kingpin. Spider-Man’s insults aren’t about being clever or, in this case, smartly written with layers and double entendres. They are abouthitting the opponent where it hurts, and considering Kingpin’s visceral reaction: mission accomplished.
6"The real reason Jonah hates me…"
She-Hulk#4 by Dan Slott, Juan Bobillo, Marcelo Sosa, Chris Chuckry, and Dave Sharpe
After years of being slandered by J. Jonah Jameson at the Daily Bugle, Spider-Man is convinced by Jennifer Walters and her fellow attorney at law, Augustus “Pug” Pugliese, to finally sue his long-time rival for libel. When they finally reach the courtroom, Spidey’s payback isn’t just financial, but personal, ashe wants to humiliate Jonahon a public scale. That becomes evident when, once he takes the stand and is askedwhy Jonah hates him, Spidey exclaims that it’s because he’s black. Obviously, no one can see Spidey’s skin, so the courtroom buys into this accusation 100%.
Spidey clarifies that he’s joking, but for a hot minute, Jonah is sweating bullets upon the accusation that he’s a racist. Not only is he insulted,he’s roasted in his hot seat. This is even funnier in retrospect, knowing that Marvel would eventually get its own black Spider-Man for J. Jonah Jameson to slander years later.
5"Go be a dentist or something…"
The Amazing Spider-Man#637 by Joe Kelly, Michael Lark, Marco Checchetto, Stefano Gaudiano, Matt Southworth, Brian Thies, Matt Hollingsworth, and Joe Caramagna
The “Grim Hunt” arc sees Spider-Man dish out a great deal of violence, all while the Kravinoff family bring Kraven the Hunter back to life. Unfortunately, they made the mistake of using the blood of Peter’s clone, Kaine Parker, instead of Peter’s, tainting the ritual and condemning Kraven to eternal life with Peter the only person capable of killing him.
Peter makes time to demean Kraven with a joke as brutal as the violence he just inflicted on the Kravinoffs.
Kraven has no purpose and seeks death, but even in his black suit, Peter wouldn’t go as far as killing. And even in his black suit, Peter makes time to demean Kraven with a joke as brutal as the violence he just inflicted on the Kravinoffs. No matter how angry he is or violent he becomes, even ablack-suited Spider-Man makes time to quip.
4"So I see you’ve started dating again."
Avenging Spider-Man #6 by Greg Rucka, Mark Waid, Marco Checchetto, Matt Hollingsworth, and Joe Caramagna
Sometimes,Spider-Man just can’t help himself. He can practically phone in the perfect insult without trying or wanting to, as if his jokes come with an autopilot setting. No matter how hard he tries to resist, knowing that his words would have consequences, he can’t help but deliver the first joke that crosses his mind. That is exactly the case in this issue, where Daredevil and Spider-Man are introduced to the Punisher’s new sidekick, Rachel Cole-Alves, arguablyMarvel’s most underrated street hero.
Spider-Man knows that making a joke that implies that Rachel is Frank Castle’s new girlfriend is going to drawthe ire of the widowed Punisher. Still, as much as he tries to resist the urge, Spider-Man just can’t help himself, and it nearly costs him his life. Thankfully, Daredevil intervenes before Frank has a chance to put a bullet through Peter’s skull.
3"The day I have trouble with you is the day I enlist in the Campfire Girls!"
The Amazing Spider-Man#157 by Len Wein, Ross Andru, Mike Esposito, Glynis Wein, and John Costanza
Doctor Octopus is Spider-Man’s greatest enemy, even if Peter would never tell the villain that to his face. Some of Parker’s most brutal losses, including a death (one of them, anyway) have come at the hands of Doc Ock. It’s hard to deny the impact of Otto Octavius' presence and villainy on Spider-Man’s life, but in hopes of keeping a strong face,Spider-Man would never admit how challengingOtto can be for him sometimes.
Ultimate Spider-Man Is Ready to Debut the Tag-Team We’ve All Been Waiting For
The Ultimate Universe’s two Spider-Men are about to join forces in a highly anticipated team-up that will give Peter Parker the perfect sidekick.
When Doc Ock returns from the dead in hopes of wooing Aunt May, Spider-Man tries to ward him off to keep his aunt safe. It’s evident that Otto is getting the better of Spider-Man, but again,the latter would never admit it. Instead, he jokes about how easy of an opponent Otto is and how he’d enlist in the Campfire Girls before it ever gets hard for him. Maybe Pete ought to start considering a Campfire Girls membership.
2"With your waistline, you probably haven’t seen your feet in years!"
The Amazing Spider-Man#164 by Len Wein, Ross Andru, Mike Esposito, Glynis Wein, Joe Rosen, and John Costanza
Despite primarily being a Daredevil villain, Kingpin has faced down Spider-Man nearly as much as his archrival. In fact, given their history, Wilson Fisk is arguablya bigger foil for Spider-Man, to the point that Spidey once gaveKingpin a fate worse than death. In one of their more personal encounters, Kingpin captured Spider-Man in hopes of stealing his life force to bring his son back from the dead. Although Kingpin succeeds in his attempt, that doesn’t stop a physical confrontation between the two.
Most importantly, Spidey doesn’t let being nearly on the brink of death stop him from enjoying his favorite pastime:making fat jokes at Kingpin’s expense. Truthfully, this might be the harshest one he ever delivered, too. Even harsher than any of Peter Parker’s anti-Kingpin jokes inUltimate Spider-Man.
1Someone Beats Spider-Man to the Punchline - Because of Time Travel
“The Infinity Watch” by Derek Landy, Ron Lim, Don Ho, Israel Silva, and Joe Caramagna fromThe Amazing Spider-Man Annual#1
A fellow hero named Overtime masters the art of time travel thanks to harnessing the Time Stone in his body. Granted, he can only go back in time by 24 hours, but he makes use of his powers bybeating Spider-Man to a punchline. Before going back in time to defeat a villain named Fission, he asks Spider-Man what quip he’d say if he had the chance to use it on Fission. Upon Spidey’s suggestion, Overtime ventures to the past anduses that quip in front of Spider-Man.
Perhaps it’s just a case of Spider-Man not being nearly as impressed with other people’s jokes as much as he’s impressed by his own…
Ironically, Spider-Man isn’t impressed when he hears it out of Overtime’s mouth. Perhaps it’s just a case of Spider-Man not being nearly as impressed with other people’s jokes as much as he’s impressed by his own, even if the joke was technically his first. Maybe the biggest insultSpider-Mancould ever make isn’t a joke, but it’s more insulting to not laugh at someone else’s joke.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man is the name given to several individuals who have employed a spider-moniker throughout Marvel Comics. Typically gaining their powers through a bite from a radioactive spider, the different Spider-Man heroes employ super-strength, agility, and intellect while utilizing webbing to swing and tangle up their foes. The most notable of these Spider-Men is Peter Parker, who remains one of the most popular superheroes throughout the world.
